A Few Raunchy Jokes for a Monday Morning

These get funnier as they go down the list.

 Just remember, I said they were raunchy.  They are also some of the funniest I’ve come across in awhile  ; )

A husband comes home and tells his wife he’s going to get a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis.  His wife asks him why he would do such an idiotic thing.
“Well,” he says, “I like to play with my money.   I like to see my money grow. And, if you feel the need to blow $100, you won’t have to go to the mall.”

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A drunk stumbles out of a bar with a key in his hand.  A cop sees him and says, “Can I help you, sir?”
“Yes! Somebody stole my car.”
The cop asks, “Where was the last time you saw it?”
“It was on the end of this key,” says the man.
The cop looks down and notices that the man’s penis is hanging out of his fly.  “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?” the cop says.
Confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and says, “My girlfriend’s gone, too!”

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One morning in the office, a man mentions to a coworker that her hair smells nice today.  The woman suddenly grows enraged, storms into her supervisor’s office, and declares loudly that she’s quitting and has decided to file a sexual harassment suit.
“Come on,” says the supervisor. “What’s wrong with a guy saying your hair smells nice?”
“He’s a fucking midget!”

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Q: What’s the definition of embarrassment?
A: Running into a brick wall with an erection and breaking your nose first.

Note:  I’m not sure who the hell would wear it, but I thought this was so funny I made a shirt out of it: Embarrassment

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A young woman and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the baby and screams in horror. The woman, furious, marches to the back of the bus to sit down. As she sits, a man asks, “Are you ok?”
The lady replies, “That bus driver just insulted me. I should go up there and give him a piece of my mind!”
The man says, “You do that. And I’ll look after your monkey.”

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Q: What’s the worst thing about rollerblading?
A: Telling your parents you’re gay.

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A guy shopping at the supermarket notices a hot woman waving at him. “Do I know you?” he says, walking over.
“I think you’re the father of one of my kids,” the woman says.
“Are you that hooker I banged behind Chuck E. Cheese’s during my son’s birthday party?”
“No,” she says. “I’m his math teacher.”

***************

A husband and wife are sharing a bottle of wine when the husband says, “I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”
The wife thinks for a few moments, then says “your dick is bigger than your brother’s.”

This entry was posted on Monday, March 30th, 2009 at 1:00 am and is filed under Funny Emails (general). You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.